Monday, October 5, 2015

Just Who the Hell do You Think You Are?

In my previous Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned the recommended way to start my journal-with the question of who did I think I was? Then I was positively blown away with the first question: how did I feel about being a woman? Then list 20 words I associate with "femaleness". 

Then, the second question asked "Did I ever consider being a man?" By this time I had barely noticed what the rest of the journal questions pertained to, I was so stunned.

As my noggin began to clear though, I began to think the questions through.

A quick example was how "back in the day" the great majority of the words I would have associated with "femaleness" would have been clothes/makeup/appearance orientated. Today, maybe only a few. (I am going to journal my "20" today.)

I simply flipped the "man question around: "Did I ever not consider being a man and how much pain did it cause me?" Again, I will  write down 20 words.

In future posts of course, I will pass along some of the other points from the journal list, such as if I wrote a book about my life (I did) what title would I give it "Stilettos on Thin Ice."
As well as other relevant questions about the type of women I get along with best, etc.

So, plenty of thought and words to pass along to all of you soon!!!

Keeping a "Trans Girl" Journal?

As I mentioned previously here in Cyrsti's Condo, I was reading a book my partner Liz gave me called "Awakening your Goddess". Very quickly, the book recommends keeping a journal.

Ironically, keeping a "journal" is a little tougher for a transgender woman because as boys we were gender biased into thinking a diary/journal was only for girls. Imagine if your family found your journal at all-let alone what was written in it???

I find the whole journal concept even more interesting because in many ways I "journal" here everyday. But as I read on, I found I didn't. I write, but I don't feel.

Recommendations from the author "Liz Simpson" include many sensory ideas which a lap top obviously can not provide. Ideas include, sounds, smell, daily writings and even a new pen for your journal. (And the feel of the paper!) All of this makes more sense if you realize she (Liz) is going on to give you a sampling of Goddess's in the book to compare yourself to.

But, as I was yet to find-the best was yet to come!

We were directed on page one of our journals to write down - who did we think we were. As I was to find, an enormous question which deep down I had been trying to answer for over 60 years.

So big in fact, I am going to write about it in my next post. 

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The "T" Sneaks Back In.

One thing I can definitively tell you about being off the estrogen part of my HRT is I feel my old testosterone feelings creeping back in. It is not a good feeling.

Early in the process I was what I called weepy, now I am "trending" towards much of my old aggressive self.

The only positive I can see is, as I have written extensive about here in Cyrsti's Condo, there is a chance I will be allowed to go back on my estrogen in the future.

At that point, I can start the process all over again. 

A Life in Gender Flux