I had a response to a post which started something like "Here we go again, another guy who started hormones late in life".
Of course first of all I took the comment as a personal cheap shot and shot back some babble.
But you know, if I put myself out here on this blog that is going to happen. Get over it Cyrsti.
(I need to add I do so much enjoy your comments pro or con.)
As I said, I took this comment personally until I started to think-"well it's true, I am just another guy who started hormones late in life and decided to write about it". Somehow the fact I quit thinking of myself as a guy years ago was lost in the shuffle.
Whatever, I then took my thoughts a step further and wondered how I got here and was it worth it?
No matter if you are a fully changed transsexual woman or man or a weekend crossdresser at the Holiday Inn Express (which I was accused of) we all have our own very heavy crosses to bear.
Here's how mine was heavy. (I know some of you long time readers will recognize some of this but I'm compelled to repeat it.)
I started the way many of you did. I knew at a very early age I had something wrong with my perception of gender. Unlike many of you I grew up in a pre Internet era to WWII/Depression Generation parents.
Yes I did try to come out to my Mom and she recommended electro shock therapy. (Really).
So I tried my best to be the best male I could. Played football, got good grades, went to college and got drafted in the Vietnam War. You know the war that never happened.
I lived on with the torment of two genders pulling at me but I survived and tried to drink it away.
Then the pieces of the future I could never see began to fall into place.
When I was discharged from the Army, I really thought about a full time life as a woman. Then crazy things started to happen like a daughter with my first wife who knew all about my gender problems. So I chose not to go the female route and I was the weekend crossdresser for years. It got me by. Sure it was a bandage
on a huge wound.
I can use the years all of this was occurring in the late 70's-early 80's as an excuse. I can't tell you for sure how available hormones and the like were then-still no Internet to buy bootleg drugs from who knows where?
At the age of 30, I lost a business, a wife a couple rental properties and moved to the NYC area with my second wife who also knew of my gender problems. Do you remember how much fun the "recession" was in the early 80's?
The torment went on, but this time I found a new way to get through it. I moved and started to work very hard with my second wife.
She was by my side for 27 years putting up with my sometimes "nasty" temperament when the gender war inside became too great. Through it all she became more than a wife. She became my best friend.
She passed four years ago so I can't ask her "was it worth it" that I didn't go the distance as a girl? All I do know is she had a pretty good idea her husband and best friend would be just another guy taking hormones later in life because I would finally find some inner piece.
Now re-enter daughter. The choice I made not to live a female life before she was conceived proved to be such a blessing today. She totally accepts my decision.
Looking back, karma or destiny or what ever you want to call it gave me the daughter and two wonderful wives as a reward for the gender torment that became so much a part of my life. So being able to be just another guy who is starting hormones later in life was worth it.
My way of repayment is attempting to tell my story for others to see. No one has to agree or follow in my footsteps, there is no right or wrong way to live a trans life.
I'm 62 and just retired to write and sell collectibles and yes feminize my body. Ironically I was 31 when my life changed so radically years ago. To make the whole situation even more spooky is again I lost a wife and a business at this part of my life- and once again I have discovered another person who accepts me for the person I am.
So yes, it's me "just another guy who is starting hormones late in life". Just another guy who spent a life longing to be the other gender. I worked long and hard to express my inner female long before hormones even came into the picture. If that makes me less of a trans woman somehow- so be it. I'm thanking God or karma or whatever to have the chance to be where I'm at today.
Was it worth it? Hell yes. Could I have been selfish and sacrificed the ones I loved to do this earlier? Hell yes. Am I happy I didn't? Hell yes.
Does the inner girl who has always been with me like it? Hell Yes!!!!