It ain't what you do- it's the way that you do it!
I am not exactly sure who said it but it sure fits quite a bit of my life as a transgender woman.
For seeming a thousand years I was too concerned about my looks and not my soul.
I've tried to revisit the problem as much as I can here because I believe in it's importance.
Not paying attention to my inner self was why I was never satisfied with my life as a cross dresser.
First the fetish aspect of just wearing the clothes left me quite early in the process. The obsession phase set in. I just couldn't wait to put together that perfect outfit to be that stunning creature I knew I could be and not just stun someone. I just knew that new wig would work magic.
Nothing worked any magic over the years. A potent mix of alcohol, heavy work schedules and a fine alpha male acting rendition made for a volatile life.
As most of you know, all of that changed almost five years ago when my wife of 25 years abruptly passed on. I guess you can say the intense grief, pain and introspection I was going through led to the life I lead today.
As part of my birthday week and hair epiphany, I also had my Q and A session with my daughter. Being the out front person she is-she didn't hesitate to come out strong. "What is the difference between the Dad she knew and the person she really doesn't?"
I thought for a moment and said "Not much". I went on to say my interests were basically the same. Still into sports and history. Still like to bargain hunt for clothes and other items. The only difference is the outward feminizing of my body to meet my soul. I just am starting to look like the person I always really was.
Ironically she was trying to match me up with the grand kids. I really have come to be in their lives quite a bit and we all enjoy each other and I really want that to continue. So if I'm essentially the same person who looks different and is infinitely happier-the process is easier. (Neither of us see a huge problem)
So there you go. I'm starting to close a circle. I'm really doing the same things the way I want to.
Don't get me wrong. I take none of this for granted and I'm not the first one to preach the virtues of living life on some of your own terms. I also don't put myself on any pedestals because it took tragedy and 60 some years for me to get this far.
I do think however I'm a fairly decent judge of the transgender experience. If you have lost the buzz of just putting on a dress and primping in front of the mirror and are miserable- you may consider a transgender existence. Life is too short not to.