Sunday, June 16, 2013

My Mirror and Pastries

Of course over the years from a closeted cross dresser into the transgender life I lead now, I have fought epic battles with my mirror. But I'm not alone, I see genetic women who have fought and lost the same game daily.

It's a tough battle. Both Genders pay attention to us. It's the age old question of "do women dress for women - or men?" Easy answer, women overwhelmingly dress for ourselves. Sure I want to look nice for guys too but if I'm not getting a passing grade from the women in the crowd, I need to keep trying until I do.

None of this was an easy process to work my way through.

First of all my mirror is a Stone Cold Bitch. By law she deals in one dimension (hers) which just happens to be a much different one than the public. My first conversation of the day is "Bring it Bitch!" But we both know I need her as a tool to help me. As long as she stays away from that dishonest feedback deal. I have finally come to the conclusion I don't look as good as she says I do but not as bad as I think I do.

Second, I was stuck right in the middle of several dominant forces.  I was a guy attempting to appear as a woman in public but I was going about it in all the wrong ways.

I was dressing for men from my perspective of what a man wanted to see. Cool, except I was leaving out a huge majority of the population who could make my journey easier-women. If I was going over the top with the such forgettable "Rodeo Clown Drag Queen" look, then I was missing everyone.

And finally, I knew very few  of the "tricks" of the style game such as fashion, sizes and shopping.

As the years passed painfully by, even I began to realize the path I was taking was going all wrong and I was lost. Of course life is better now as I became honest with myself.  Even the mirror and I get along now. No matter what she says I know my limitations and similar to any woman I try to do the best to work around them. In fact, just last night she was whispering sweet nothings into my ear as I finished dressing, brushing my hair and touching up my makeup. Finally I was ready to head out to a mainly straight bar/restaurant last night hosting the fabulous Rubi Girls.  I knew I was far from the sexy "thang" she said I was but I did feel  I wasn't over or under dressed for the night which is exactly what I tried to do.

Of course all of this progression has been something I have tried to over think for years. Actually, I came to a fairly simple conclusion.  As I do with many things in my life, again I was trying to shortcut the femininity process in me. For years I thought simply the best clothes, wigs and makeup could take me where I wanted to go.  As it turned out the process was similar to eating your favorite donut. Tastes great eating it but the sugar buzz and empty calories don't last long.

If you are a novice in our world as a cross dresser or a transgender person, just take a second and look around.  There is nothing wrong with eating a tasty pastry but if you are losing your buzz in a big hurry-it may be time to look in your mirror and think about a new diet.

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A Life in Gender Flux