Thursday, June 27, 2013

Time Capsule

As far as the continuation of the last post here in Cyrsti's Condo called Quiet Time, I slept on it. If there is such a thing as my best "work"- it magically appears in my noggin at around 4 am. Normally,I'm thinking it's 4 am somewhere and get up. This time was different though as I had visitors-  the ghosts of blog posts past came floating around.

So, I started to look back at a group of old archived posts here for some sort of common thread.  Where I was then and where I am now, without the obvious. I had to toss out the "big" things such as HRT, relationships and friends. Well, not toss them but put them gently aside in my "to be cherished" room. Quickly I found the one common thread "back in the day" was how heavily influenced I was with what I was wearing and the public reaction to me.

All probably normal, right? Now normal is this big scary word to be but I guess I can use it in this context of my transition. I was just growing into my feminine self. So, I concluded my transition progression was normal but then I started to feel a bit guilty about many of my current blog posts now-or the lack of them. Sure the YouTube videos are fun and the news stories from around the world are timely and crucial to our transgender rights but:

I just don't have those fashionista moments to pass along. I don't wear heels, almost always wear some sort of jeans and what I hope is passable makeup.  My one guilty pleasure is still using my breast forms to fill out a form fitting top attractively with as much cleavage as I can.

If in two years I'm fortunate enough to still be in this dimension, will I look back at this post and think I had reached another milestone? If so, why did I have this nagging guilt that somehow I feel when I don't write as much about experiences because well, they have become mundane?

Sunday was a good example. I went to dinner with my girlfriend's father, brother and son for the second time and didn't have to ask for a hit off of Dad's oxygen tank because I could breathe normally. I had a girly salad (because it sounded good on a hot day) and just completely enjoyed myself. Not because I was living a transgender life-I was living mine.

Later of course, I just had to search for the slightest bit of negativity and found it. Was I on my much maligned stealth path?  Well probably yes and no.As far as looks go, I still do and most likely will always get my share. The "looks" now though have gone from stares and whispers to glances for the most part. So I guess essentially I'm sliding into the stealth dimension and it works because I can get those other pesky things done such as living my life. But on the other hand (or arm) my girlfriend and I are working diligently on a unique trans tattoo for me. Naturally if I'm going through all that pain and suffering I want my first Tat to tell the world I am trans and proud of it.

In two years I will invite you all over for an adult beverage to the Condo and we can open the time capsule and get a chuckle!



No comments:

Post a Comment

A Life in Gender Flux