Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Presently Unavailable

For as long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time living in the present.My mind is always jumping around to other times, places and scenerios. I always was under the impression I simply marched to some distant drummer and that was it.

Now as I think about my life more, I wonder if my mental "escapism" was due in part to my transgenderism. Part of my noggin was available to navigate the present while part of it wasn't.  I'm not saying the other dimensional "half" was operating 100% of the time in a female world but yes it was there a lot.

Perhaps, I just slowly but surely trained myself in a coping mechanism which included my thoughts wondering elsewhere?

Interesting to me as well is the fact I'm into all of this "introspection" at this point in my life.  As I continue to connect my gender dots and merge my gender experiences, perhaps I'm experiencing the opportunity to live more entirely in the moment. Plus (while we are on the subject) , I consider the use of the word merge an incorrect one. I consider I have flipped my dominant gender to the one which was always destined to be me. As my male gender fades more and more into the background of my existence- he is still back there when I need his years of knowledge or expertise in certain situations.  When he dominated though, I could never reach deep inside to my girl soul but somehow I always knew she was there. The world was always just a tad to completely out of focus.

Of course this is all a theory and I will have to leave it to the ones closest to me to determine if focus becomes one of my new traits.

In the meantime I have tired of all this transgender introspection. Lets see, there has to be something else here in Cyrsti's Condo to get my attention!

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