Through the magic of "Blogger" land, I finally learned long ago I can "store" up posts and publish them here in Cyrsti's Condo at my leisure.
This post is actually being written at 3 in the morning. About an hour ago my dog figured she heard something out of place and rose to the occasion with a couple of "woofs". Since she is very old (14) and barking is an effort for her, I pay attention.
These days, the possibility of a threat (real or imagined) is different for me. I'm not the fairly sizable macho person anymore. I never really was you understand but felt it was one of those so called "male privilege" gifts which come with the gender. With a loud dog or so at my side and a big stick I could bluff my way through.
Three in the morning comes one of two ways. The first is what the hell am I doing up. The second is why do I have so much clarity now?.Of course it helps that I'm semi retired and don't feel the old pressure to go back to sleep now and face the reality of twenty cups of coffee later. All semi retirement really means I still work more than I did but on my own schedule. Unlike the rest of the world an afternoon "kitty nap" can be a reality.
My clarity this morning quickly moved past the realization that I was not the man I used to be (Duh!). I took a moment to reflect what exactly I had become. Was I still me? Not so long ago I was ashamed to be me and felt feeling at all comfortable with my male past made me an impostor somehow in the transition process. As I'm finding now though, taking the pressure off of who I wasn't, is making life so much easier today. Me is still me without the gender pressure and now there is the physical process adding to a vastly different external me..
Early in the HRT process it seemed the minimal amount of hormonal dosage caused a real noticeable effect. Within months, I noticed changes in my skin texture, breast tenderness and growth and the beginnings of a really full head of hair. Along the way, emotional changes as well as a broken body thermostat became as evident as my first large hot flash. I was too cold when I was cold and too hot when I was hot.
The most frustrating part of the past year and a half though, was stabilizing my dosages and making steady progress. Now that I have been there for the past three months or so, I have made the transition into androgyny. I garner attention now if I'm dressed as a guy or a girl. Going braless has taken up a whole different meaning for me now.
Changes are becoming less dramatic and smoother and I have been very surprised with the amount of mental changes still taking place versus the physical ones. An example I wrote about recently was football day at my girlfriends neighborhood tavern. To the seeming surprise of no one else, I made sure our game was on the big screen, helped order and used the rest room...as a girl. As I have thought for awhile, gee, this is how life is supposed to be but a half century of conditioning to the contrary still makes a process a wondrous experience.
I have always been a pusher my whole life. Once I reached a certain plateau, what's next ? The clarity of 3 AM tells me I need to relax and enjoy what I have now. Believe me I have been as obsessed as most of us ( from cross dressers to SRS transsexuals). As a cross dresser I always thought if I just had that special dress or wig or whatever I would be in feminine nirvana. Now it's easy to think the lure of hair removal, facial feminization or breast augmentation will take me to the next level. Nirvana it turns out was close all the time and residing in my noggin. Can't say any of the procedures wouldn't be a worthwhile deal but I won't live or die without them.
When we are born we start the trip towards death and at my age I'm fortunate to have been able to live the "impossible" transgender dream before it was too late for me. I don't believe in luck but I do believe in doing your best to put yourself in a situation where luck can find you..."Hey Lady Luck! I'm your BFF Cyrsti, Yoo Hoo!.
As you can tell, my brief shot at clarity is coming to an end and the reality of the early morning is telling me to not question - just enjoy and go back to bed.
Or it could be I'm getting chilled after a 90+ degree day. The early breezes should feel good on me! Damn hormones!
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