When life slows down for me, I just have tell you all I feel a little guilty. I struggle to write much about my day to day existence.
I can tell you though what I never dreamed would happen and it is. I appreciate the fact that in the morning, I somehow know immediately if the effects of HRT have stepped up or stayed the same. I love the fact that through a combination of tedious repetition and the effects of feminization I'm pretty much able to navigate the world similar to any other woman. I cherish the group of friends I have, the family that supports me and a person who is crazy to consider spending the rest of her life with me.
I'm an adrenaline driven person, always have been. It's interesting to me how this transition process in essence has become more mundane and how do I feel about it? Is the thrill gone? For the most part it is. Here's an example: The electric charge of a new outfit or the stepping out the door as a girl just isn't there. Why is this good???
First and foremost my adrenalin rushes were very shallow and didn't give me a real look at what a feminine existence would be. Here's a comparison from "back in the day" when I had a cross dressing acquaintance who was also a fireman on a nearby large urban fire department He often connected potential dots between the excitement of fighting a fire versus dressing as woman. Ironically, she connected quite a few more dots and finally went through SRS. I have lost track of her but it would be interesting to learn of her feelings now.
So here I sit with my self described "Princess" cross dressing phase way behind me The problem was, the Princess and I never got along. I had a deep sense of feeling something was still wrong deep inside when I was cross dressed or not. Finally it turned out, I was given the golden opportunity to search for an answer for myself.
The answer was and is, I needed to transition and in a lifetime of less than intelligent gender decisions, I made the right one.
I'm guessing the feelings I'm having now are just part of the usual gender "re-socialization" process. To be sure I want to have the perfect hair and the best "look" for the occasion but now all of that has taken a back seat to enjoying the company of my friends.
I know it seems I'm just bitchin and whinin. In reality though, I'm attempting to take all of us through this next step in my transition journey.
As we undertake this most difficult of all ventures, I believe our souls give us direction signs. I was given a very vivid one as I crossed the threshold from cross dresser to transgender.
I was naive enough to think I had arrived as a trans woman then reality set in. Surely, I'm right in the middle of that reality now and the only certainty is, I love it!
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