Saturday, November 9, 2013

"Making a Woman" A Cyrsti's Condo Archive Post

As you can tell, I'm taking a big ol 2 day "cation" from the Condo, so through the miracle of modern technology I'm presenting a couple of older posts from this year which brought quite a bit of reaction:

"As I look back at my transition process in the early stages, one of the most difficult ideas to overcome was the idea that I made a good looking woman. All semantics aside, I don't think I ever had the power to make a woman. My problem was of course I was being compared to the man I was. Now before you may be thinking I'm being a total brat-hear me out.

 First of all, I was truly lost. Sure the compliments would send me into vanity heaven for weeks but in truth the "buzz" was similar to what I experience when I eat a couple of my favorite cookies. The sugar high just turns into empty calories and is gone all too soon. Looking back of course I was searching for my true transgender feelings,. Deep down I knew my cross dressing was just a quick fix and refused to face it. Following up on my last post, I slowly but surely began to open my closet door. On occasion I did it the right way but other times I was terrible. I pulled some stunts on my wife I will always regret. On the positive side though I went out into the world as a woman by mutual agreement. We enjoyed enough of an income that I could take my clothes and makeup with me, get a motel room change and spend the day out and about. The absolute most stunning realization was I just couldn't do this as just a another faceless person in public. There had to be more.

Quickly I learned I had to interact with the public. Going back to the last post, these weren't the people at the cross dressing meetings I went to or the people at gay venues-these were strangers who expected some sort of response from me as a perceived woman or even trans woman. To make matters more complicated, these encounters were normally always different. An example would a stranger asking me for directions followed my a clerk asking me for my size. No matter how good or bad, big or small these public interactions were, I would take them home with me and build off of them. Also, before I forget to tell you all this was occurring over years.

My goal. My own hair this length, color and style
Slowly but surely though my whole thought pattern was beginning to take on a different idea of who I was. I was fitting more and more into that newer transgender niche. During this time of discovery, I was starting to really stretch the boundaries of being a woman in the world. Shopping turned into lunch, lunch turned into going places I had never been before and finally to my first visit at night to a busy casual dining restaurant. Was this process tough? Of course it was. No matter how the early compliments of being an attractive woman echoed in my head. There were (and are) people who took great delight in letting me know I wasn't. On the other hand, I found the power of feminine socialization overcame the narrow minded idiots.

Again and again my message to any of you who may be in the same spot I was in years ago is somehow, someway you have to find a way to try to live it. Who knows, if you do you may find you are content to be a cross dresser. As I continually stress there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and you may be able to hold your life together and have fun with it.

The true tragedy comes when a person tries to take their gender identity too far. I know a person who went through SRS to simply become the best looking woman in the room but never grasped the "woman" part. I can only say no matter how tough this journey has been-it was the right one for me. It just feels right. When you begin to get there-you will know or won't. That's OK too. You just could be that man who "makes a good looking woman!"

No comments:

Post a Comment

A Life in Gender Flux