On occasion I think (no, I know) I spend too much time thinking of my transition process. I suppose when you attempt something as major as changing your gender, introspection is a natural by product.
Those of you who are regulars around here in Cyrsti's Condo know I'm currently in the middle of a total full time immersion as a woman. My nearest male clothes are over 150 miles away.
I have written recently about upping my game of trying to look better-naturally. As I was doing my errands today and checked my appearance when I got back, it occurred to me I was checking my self esteem in the mirror not my vanity. Certainly, I would love to be a stunningly attractive beauty when I head out into the world, not stun others with my appearance. We all know the beauty part is going to have to wait until another life but not being a human "stun gun" isn't.
Taking this idea to a whole deeper level, I realized I was crossing yet another cross dresser / transgender point in my life. Being the often "clue less" person I am, I dazzle myself with these little epiphanies of mine. Then again, I entertain easily. This is what I came up with:
As a cross dresser, I lived in the mirror. As a transgender woman, I live in the world, the only real mirror that matters. Now, in order to survive, I desperately need my self esteem as a woman. The vanity part of me will always exist and screams for facial feminizing surgery and breast augmentation. But, more importantly, I'm finding esteem is the key to my existence.