Hitting the wall is a very popular term or the "glass ceiling" is good too. Whatever term you want to put to it, I've very much reached the transition wall.
It's not surprising. In many ways, the last five years of my life have been an incredible blur. The initial decision I made to live a feminine life and then start HRT was tumultuous enough but nothing compared to the feminine socialization process which followed. Much of which formed the very basis of Cyrsti's Condo.
I was already an adrenaline junkie from my job as a high volume restaurant manager, so in many ways I craved the expectation of what was "coming next" in a life I waited 50 years to live. But now, life seems to being slowing down and to quote an old song "kicks just keep getting harder to find" and I know the reason.
I was warned by a person years ago who asked the simple question, "what kind of everyday woman would I be when I went out to face the world?" Simple answer, right? Not so fast kids. My perception was I would not be the slobby women I see where I live so often. As it turns out, not only do I not want to be one of them, I can't be. To have a chance of navigating the world in a completely new living situation as a transgender women, I found again I better get to work increasing my presentation skill level. Think of it this way, I have to look better and not look like I'm trying. All the time. I'm not whining though, I knew this is what I signed up for. Just have to get used to it.
Perhaps you noticed I wrote "in a completely new living situation." What I mean is, for the last week or so, I have been totally and completely full time. To me, I became more than a little intimidated especially following the gender slur in the tavern last week. Dare I say, it took me a couple days to get my "swagger" back. Swagger (attitude) to me is at least 70% of presentation but I also did what most other genetic women would do, I started to work on my makeup basics again.
I'm happy to say, I'm reclaiming my equilibrium and making major strides towards moving in with my girlfriend-who for the record, rejects any of my remaining maleness and has not kicked me out yet for any number of my personality issues I have listed here in the "Condo". In fact, when we visited her Dad in the hospital last night (he is getting better) the nurse said "you ladies have a good night" to us as she left the room. Music to my ears!
So I guess the future is now and the wall is part of it. As with any climbing experience, slips and slides do occur and that is just part of the process. It's a good thing I don't wear heels often, I need all the climbing help I can get!
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