Perhaps you have heard of Helen Boyd. Her books, including My Husband Betty would be one of my choices to give to a spouse when you are coming out for the first time as a cross dresser or transgender woman.
Her blog is called En Gender and a recent post called UnValentine caught my eye. Evidently she wrote it when her and her partner were not welcomed in a "woman's only" space. Here's an excerpt:
Why should someone’s transition negate the partner’s identity as a lesbian? The whole idea that they wouldn't “look like” a lesbian couple is infuriating – the same argument was made against butch/femme couples back in the day.
Here’s the thing: as a community, could we maybe start to acknowledge that people transition, and that they have histories, and identities, and life experiences, all of which may not tidily map onto our models of “straight” and “gay”? Can we allow trans couples to decide how to negotiate their own identities as individuals and couples instead of everyone else telling us where we belong? Can a trans guy honor his own past and his relationship’s past without other trans men telling him he’s sold out his gender and trans people everywhere?
Are lesbians really not used to guys transitioning yet?
A little compassion would be awesome from groups who are now and who have been, historically, excluded discreetly and explicitly, kindly and hatefully.
Trans partners are often a wrench in the homo/hetero works, but sometimes we get eaten by the gears.
Well said! For more, go here.