Friday, April 11, 2014

In-Sync

One of our regular contributors here in Cyrsti's Condo, Shelle,  recently sent in this comment:

Indeed waking up each day knowing you mind and body match your correct gender must be a huge blessing to the Cis-gendered world, one I have never known,I wake up each day knowing I will have to convince myself I am who I am,despite seeing things in the mirror that bring me great discomfort.

Thanks Shelle and to use an worn out term, we are talking about "cis priviledge".  The majority of humans do think gender is something to be taken for granted.

I took the concept a step further with a friend I mention many times around here, who is deeply in the closet. So deep he goes into deep rationalizations why. On the other hand though, he is a cis guy who somewhere got his wires crossed and fell into some sort of a interest into cross dressing. That's all good but sometimes he really frustrates me. As hard as I try, I can't seem to ever get the point across to him that just because I may have cross dressed a lot with some sort of minimal success-none of that has anything to do with who I am today.  I keep telling him being a cross dresser was not a gate way to me being transgender, just a band aid to fix the problem. That is how we differ.  I never was a cis guy but a pretender forced to live in their world.

Truly, I don't expect most of the world to understand what took me decades to come to grips with.  My life has very little to do with the fun external girl things (most of them) and everything to do with syncing my soul with the world.  Let's take my hair appointment yesterday for example.  Sure, just the whole feeling of being there and pampered and looking better was great but my soul was on fire with delight.  I "synced" my internal being with how the world was viewing me.

Many ask how does it feel to be feminine and I say, I can only answer to how it feels to be me physically. However, the effects of HRT have given me a point of reference into what a genetic woman's life is like. Examples are hot flashes, emotions, sensitivity to hot and cold, etc. But of course, I will never know the discomfort of a period, giving birth or any of the major "female" operations.

I'm with you Shelle, in that when I look in the mirror, I see a desperate attempt to reshape a 60 something male body into a feminine one for the world to see.  On the other hand, I am done convincing myself who I am. I finally know who that is!


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