Monday, April 21, 2014

No Body Told Me?

It seems a lifetime ago since I sat in front of a therapist at the VA to be evaluated to start HRT.  I guess since it was such a life changing experience, it was a lifetime ago.

Recently I took a moment to reflect back on what were the biggest surprises of my MtF gender transition so far on hormones.  First of all, I feel the changes sealed my past as a cross dresser and opened my future as a transgender woman.  Look, I was the first to say with all the experience I was gaining in public and with the friends I was making as a girl-I thought I was making the transgender jump long before I did. I was wrong. Transgender didn't truly start for me until after I started HRT and externally came quickly with no wigs, softer skin etc. but the major differences I would experience would be internal.

(As always, please don't think I'm casting any negative thoughts towards cross dressers in anyway.)

Looking back internally, I certainly expected to be more emotional and even cry for the first time in my life -and I did.  Plus,  crying for joy and experiencing sudden bouts of melancholy were different, but not as shocking as the extra amount of worrying which began to creep into my life.  So much so, that on occasion, I slipped into what I always considered feminine hysteria.(Not one of  my pleasant feminine stereotypes!)  Yet again, there it was and is, but I'm getting used to it.

Of course, when almost everyone thinks of HRT , they wonder how it works on your physical being and again I had my share of surprises. Looking back, my biggest surprise came when changes began to occur quickly and then slowed down.  I was excited and then let down while I waited for more change to take effect. Finally I mellowed out and let the changes work as they may. For example now,  I haven't taken time to measure any real breast growth but I have noticed a real change in my hips and rear.  I was excited  the other day when I put on a pair of leggings and a top which came down to the middle of my hips.  I saw for the first time in my life a small but definite feminine shape! Perhaps excitement is too mellow of a word!

One way or another, this has been quite the ride and the HRT induced part of it has been even more exciting at my age.  At the least, the external feminization my body continues to go through, helps the public perception of me.  At the best, the internal effect of the hormones just makes me feel complete.

I would be fibbing to you if I told you there was anyway three years ago I would be where I am today.  The biggest misconception of all!




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A Life in Gender Flux