As I was "cramming" to get another chapter of my "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" book completed today, I was working on a section with a very unremarkable name- "Transition." I have always wondered how each of us seemed to have our own personal "switch" as we decided to go down this road. Some stayed as cross dressers and others went the route to SRS. Why?
I'm certainly not smart enough to figure it out but do have assumptions like everyone else. Today, as I was remembering back to the early Tri-Ess meetings I went to in the late 1970's, what I observed and how I thought I fit with the others around me. Ironically, it's still tough to figure it out. Finally, I came to the conclusion that somewhere along the line back then, I walked two separate paths. One path was living in the mirror as a girl and the other was more of a complex look into how a genetic woman lived. I remembered too, the cross dressers in the room who I called the "A Listers". The small group just knew they were the most attractive critters in the room and they were. Something was strangely missing though from how they acted. Sort of like you left the pepper out of your favorite recipe. They just weren't real.
Also, there were always a couple of women attending who for all the world looked like one of the genetic spouses who came along but they weren't. Transgender or transsexual terms were just beginning to slip in to our vocabulary and it took me decades to get it through my thick noggin' - that was them. The "A listers" on the other hand, went over the top to look the part but just quite couldn't tap into their feminine side-because there wasn't any. I knew one in particular who (as she called it) went down the slippery slope of beginning electrolysis, hormones and then even SRS. She turned out to be beautiful- but miserable.
So, I don't know, maybe for what ever reason, she never progressed past the mirror side of being feminine into the real world? I think I did for a couple of reasons. The most important one was my wife kept chiding me for knowing nothing about being a woman. Never one to back away from a challenge, I began to do it which leads me to my second point. When I did check out the "other side" I liked it a lot and it felt real.
My problem was I could see both paths from the one I was on which led to the tremendous gender turmoil I experienced. Being more stubborn than smart led me to do the natural male thing-internalize and fight. I never do much crying over the past but the historian in me tells me there were certain points I really could have learned from. Talking with the "real girl's" at the Tri Ess Meetings would have been soooo much more beneficial than wishing I could be an "A-lister."
In a companion post, we will discuss what determines how badly you want to flip the gender switch.
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