Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Checking Those Fluid Levels!

I guess the last couple of posts here in Cyrsti's Condo may make the point more effectively than the one I'm going to discuss.  The "Madam LaNoe!" and star gazing posts were essentially genderless.  I wondered aloud with Liz what the average peep who stumbled across this blog the last couple days would wonder why the transgender tag is on it at all.

Maybe Pat answered part of it when she commented While I have been following your blog it is clear that you are going through a multi year transition. I assume that at some point you will reach a point where you are comfortable knowing that you have always been a blend of male and female but that your components have been reprocessed and have reached a new equilibrium.
Many others are on the journey

Pat didn't use the term "gender fluid", but on occasion I have considered the term as an interchangeable one for me and one which causes more than a couple of my "critics" to go "bonkers."  I understand why for the most part.  They are the "black and white" thinkers who have very little respect for a life out of the male/female binary- no matter how they identify. So would the "strict gender constructionists" be more comfortable with Cyrsti's "Gender Fluid" Condo?  I'm thinking not.

Regardless of all my babbling,  Pat's right, I am reaching a point of equilibrium and it's mainly because of the friends who refused NOT to accept me for anything other than the person I was. THEY brought me full scale out of the closet.

I will argue the equilibrium began when I began to accept my life as a man, even though I desperately didn't want to be there.  Of course some would argue, I wasn't desperate enough or I wouldn't have stayed there and those people are right too.  But, time, circumstances and lives change in a blink and  we all have reasons of why we are here  Plus, when you are almost 65, you have a freight train full of baggage to sort through to even try to understand why.

These days, it's not really a question anymore of checking my gender levels.  I'm at rest finally about who I am and when you think about it, gender is merely how society sees you. If I spend a day in drag as a guy now, at the least I'm a rather androgynous one doing things like mowing the grass.  Somehow, I don't think it would be appropriate to wear a skirt, heels and full makeup to mow.So I get a man to do it and that just happens to still be me. To put the whole idea in perspective, I have exactly two pairs of men's jeans left,one set of casual men's clothes and my old Army uniform and a bunch of unisex t-shirts.

Transgender, gender fluid, glorified cross dresser or whatever label anyone wants to slap on me, there is only one that really matters- survivor.

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A Life in Gender Flux