Friday, March 6, 2015

A Life In Backfill

I know, "backfill" is a rather stark word.  For me it brings up memories of playing with other boys when I was a kid. I never really wanted to play in the sand with construction toy trucks-or even getting my hands dirty. 

Backfill today to me means merging my feminine life with all the years living in guy drag.  Any of you who have gender transitioned will probably vouch for the fact, the longer you live as the gender NOT of your choice, the more back fill you need. My example is fielding innocent questions about my past.  The greatest majority of them are very innocent in nature. After all, if they want to pry into the fact I am transgender, I am not shy now in asking why do they ask? Times have changed.

When I first began to experiment in the world as a girl, for any number of reasons, I made up a whole new past for myself.  As entertaining as that was for awhile, the more I saw the same people, I had to backfill in touches of the real me. After all, I had a life I was proud of in many ways.

So, as I began to merge my past with my future, I had tons of backfill to chose from.  Actually, it was easier than I thought.  The closer I looked, either the old feminine stereotypes were fading - or were gone. All of the sudden, I didn't have to drink some fruity "fu-fu" drink to prove my girlhood when down the bar there were groups of women drinking draft beer and watching sports.

At this point in my Mtf transition, I am using less and less "back fill."  I don't out myself but then again I don't shy away from questions because in turn I can make conversation.  I was a curious social (if somewhat cynical)  person as a guy and I have backfilled myself to that point as a woman.

Looking back, not having the desire to play road construction with the boys, doesn't look like a bad choice after all!

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A Life in Gender Flux