Wednesday, March 11, 2015

What if I Knew Then?

It's very difficult for me to believe how long ago it was when I set out on my MtF gender transition journey. I ask myself on occasion, if I knew then what I know now, would I do it?

Well, first off, I didn't really have a choice. I could have continued with my life-lying to myself and others about who I really am. Unlike so many others though (and myself for years), I had a door out of my own personal gender hell.

Give or take a few months, I think it has been five years since my decision. Not just pursuing HRT, but deciding to toss my male self in the dumpster.  In those days, I think I was out and about crossdressed three days a week back then. Out of all the blind curves I can expected to run into, my biggest transition surprise so far is seeing a feminine version of myself everyday.  My problems come from looking back at how far I have come, how far I have to go and what is the ceiling? What will I think of this post five years from now?

I have to tell you that although I can (and do) all the fun girly stuff like color my hair and do my nails. What I dreamed of years ago has become part of my daily existence these days.

Before you run off with misconceptions of about what I just wrote, in no way would I trade my spot in life today. Also, I can substitute "fun" for "enjoy." My example comes from last weekend when Liz and I were going to the Essex Studio's Art Walk here in Cincinnati. Earlier in the day, I had a chance to wash my hair which always brings out my natural waves and curls with a little mousse. I also had a chance to take off my old nail polish and put on a fresh coat of a new color which actually was a close match with my jewelry choice that evening. Finally, I picked an outfit which I thought was comfortable, a bit upscale and ideal for the occasion.

Certainly, five years ago, the day was just a fantasy I had of what a portion of my life would/could be like. The difference now is the planning and upkeep I need to do to stay up with it. Plus, coming into the Spring/Summer months, I will have to be more aware of my hair removal.  So, even though generics around me for years have gleefully told me "Welcome to our world."-that's all and good until you have to walk a mile in your shoes. That reminds me, I need a new pair of women's tennis shoes for the spring!  They certainly weren't on my shopping list five years ago.

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A Life in Gender Flux