No Body Liked You Anyhow.
This happened to me several times after I transitioned and came out to several people. They told me they could see a friendlier more comfortable me. (Even though my insides were twisted in knots.)
It was like the weight of the world was taken from my shoulders. So I could relax into a life I was evidently supposed to have lived from the beginning.
Of course I had all this paranoia about how I looked when it seemed most everyone else was concerned with how I felt.
Then, I began to wonder how different my life would have been as a transgender woman if I had started to live it earlier? How different would my life had been if I had not been under the early cross dressing pressures or just worrying later about the ramifications of being transgender itself?
Night and day to be sure because I had this mean streak to me, along with a touch of crazy. Out running trans is tough. Looking for each and every macho way to prove a non existent masculinity.
So it's no wonder I didn't have many close friends ever, because I didn't allow myself any. Non one was allowed inside "the rock" that was me.
What a shame the cup was half empty during the years of my life I spent in hiding or half full that I finally learned the truth and turned my life around.
So I am proof a life can turn on a dime, sometimes you just have to stay on top of the dime for decades.
It was like the weight of the world was taken from my shoulders. So I could relax into a life I was evidently supposed to have lived from the beginning.
Of course I had all this paranoia about how I looked when it seemed most everyone else was concerned with how I felt.
Then, I began to wonder how different my life would have been as a transgender woman if I had started to live it earlier? How different would my life had been if I had not been under the early cross dressing pressures or just worrying later about the ramifications of being transgender itself?
Night and day to be sure because I had this mean streak to me, along with a touch of crazy. Out running trans is tough. Looking for each and every macho way to prove a non existent masculinity.
So it's no wonder I didn't have many close friends ever, because I didn't allow myself any. Non one was allowed inside "the rock" that was me.
What a shame the cup was half empty during the years of my life I spent in hiding or half full that I finally learned the truth and turned my life around.
So I am proof a life can turn on a dime, sometimes you just have to stay on top of the dime for decades.
Comments