It is an easy excuse for a complex problem I know. Very few humans know the feeling of not knowing their binary gender when they wake up every morning. We who have not had that "privilege" are forced to live day to day with is what is commonly known as "gender dysphoria."
In my case, the dysphoria caused me at the least anxiety and at the most a deep seated ache. I was the kid who didn't want the BB Gun and would have been happier with a doll. But a BB Gun is what I got. Along with the knowledge I better start running as fast as I could from my gender malfunctions.
I was never fleet of foot anyway and over the years my transgender soul followed me, most of the time in a vicious battle to win my total being. Being who I was, the only thing I knew to do was to fight it the best I could.
Then, all of a sudden, in the midst of my journey, the world began to catch up to me. The psychiatric community declared trans people were not mentally ill after all and I learned the true meaning of the word transgender.
Still, running as fast as I could, I kept looking over my shoulder at my transgender self who was constantly gaining on me. At that point, I tried to self medicate myself with alcohol. The "more the merrier" almost killed my liver years later after I had tried a very active suicide attempt. Looking back, much of my reckless behavior had to do with "passive" suicide tries.
Finally, I was able to live life the way I have been happiest, as an out and proud transgender woman.
I know I paid my dues (about 50 years worth) but still being trans follows me. Into every rest room and face to face meeting with others, and it always will.
The toughest part now is knowing that no matter how hard I try, being transgender will always follow me.
Since I have accepted it though, the world is a brighter place!
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